Search and Destroy

On New Year’s Eve, WordPress exploded with resolution related posts to thank their readers, discuss their year and prepare us for their blogging future- a post which I didn’t endorse at the time because a) how could I possibly blog on a day that wasn’t Monday? and b) I don’t really like any of you.

I joke, I joke- in fact comments like that are essentially why I wanted to open this post with something different. I’m usually too busy offending or laughing at you all to tell you how much I love you and appreciate all your comments, follows, likes and generally lovely message so THANK YOU TEAMALES! Let us raise a mug to 2016 and all the feminist issues we’ll be tackling (I’ve got pieces planned on body positivity, porn, Barbie and a cheeky giveaway so you do not want to miss this year).

And now onto the main event this week: An insight into my Search Terms, an idea which came to me after all the hate the people who read their statistics pages seemed to be getting from fellow bloggers on Twitter. If I’m honest, I blady love the stats page!! You can see where your readers come from, which pages have been most successful and, my favourite bit, what people have googled to find you. This is where everything goes downhill.

I thought finding my blog would be done via Twitter or Instagram- or if you’re old school maybe through like a metal detector or something- ultimately I thought the traffic would come from people at college hearing about it through the grapevine (why isn’t there a social media site called Grapevine? It would be great for aspiring Daily Mail journalists) but I was never, ever expecting links to:

andrea torres ass followed by andrea torres sexy moving pictures a few months later (blady annoying how they’re not capitalised): My main questions being both ‘Who is Andrea Torres?’ and ‘Why has this search led them to me?’ The latter being applicable to most of the following phrases too. Maybe said googler, and we have to assume it’s the same person on both occasions (probably Mr Torres), thought teacup was some kind of innuendo for a bum, just like how jugs are colloquial for boobs, and therefore Half Girl Half Teacup was some kind of dodgy distribution centre for culinary porn. Bless him. He still calls them ‘moving pictures’ instead of GIFs.

tampon girl:

They call me ‘hell’

They call me ‘Stacey’ They call me ‘her’ They call me ‘Jane’

That’s not my name That’s not my na- because my name is Tampon Girl. Secret’s out kids. I’m sorry I’ve been lying to you for so long.

What even have I created?

 

In all seriousness though, how great is this? It makes me sound like I just emit super plus Tampax when I walk down the street leaving a little trail of poncey pearl applicators behind me for rogue squirrels to use as telescopes. Or if you’re Caitlin Moran, or the overfriendly woman in my Dad’s office that told me all about her experience, tampons make a highly *holds stomach to stop myself turning as yellow as the vomming emoji* nutritious meal.

aint no body fat women at bus stops: This one feels a lil bit judgemental, I mean yes these women are taking the bus but, they are also protecting the environment by not taking their cars- every cloud and all that. Unless this person was implying that I am the fat woman at the bus stop in which case it’s a poofy coat okay (probs combined with all the Snickers bars under my jumper that I’m smuggling into my nut free college).

boobsquidge: Now THIS is my kind of search term and super endearing as my nickname is Squidge- before that it was Munchkin, before that it was Sturdy Bird. Dear parents, how do I have any self-esteem left? I like to think Boobsquidge would’ve be my superhero name if I’d been invited to star in the Bad Blood music video, I could’ve wrapped myself in marshmallows and worn a bra on my head and everything.

Anonymous friend with my bra on her head…

 

litul girl sex vajinas phots wap said: …rather they think this is a support group for paedophiles or their cat sat on their keyboard- I’m really hoping it’s the latter. It’s especially worrying that HGHT came up because of this search, which has me thinking the link must be pretty vague. Or maybe I’m reading way too far into this and Phots Wap is actually just Fetty’s younger brother; either way, they really need to learn how to spell vagina. (And maybe stop reading Urban Dictionary.)

what emoji is used for tampon: I still don’t know tbh! I have a friend who thought the nail painting emoji was a tampon- don’t worry, I don’t see it either and it got super confusing when she’d put messages like ‘Can someone please bring me a spare *insert emoji* tomorrow?’ and then scowl at the Nails Inc products in front of her. Obviously though, now that I’m Tampon Girl I have the right to personally ring Apple and request said emoji (plus one for the pad fans and mooncup weirdos enthusiasts among you).

gurl power: To finish on a high. Because of course you’re going to have some weird routes to your blog- not everyone is going to go via the yellow brick road, some Sat Navs will take you through the back roads- but I’m glad that we all end up in the same place: Gurl Power.