How Do Brits Talk About Sex?

British people seem to be the most awkward ever, combine that with sex- one of the most awkward topics of all- and you have a rather cringe sensitive scene. Here are how I’ve noticed different types of people tackle the s-bomb:

The Discreet One:  Possibly Britain’s native type. This can include anything from merely agreeing with what everyone else says (‘Yeah! Same!’ No Val, it wasn’t the same because he’s my boyf. Find your own story.) to using so many innuendos that I get lost in the supermarket of sound and end up feeling like I’m deciphering a modernist John Donne poem rather than the basis for a future erotic novel. For example, I once had a friend who replaced the names for all reproductive anatomy, periods and even boobs with ‘badobadom’. Do you understand how confusing that could get? It sounded like she was haunted by the drum solo from that I can feel it comingggg in the air tonight song every day.

The One Who Describe It As A Porno: Come on Sandra, we all know he didn’t stop halfway through to run his fingers through his hair and start serenading you in Italian, you shagged a kid who dresses like an East 17 reject not blady Antonio Banderas.

The One Who Goes For Coffee: I have a friend who uses ‘coffee’ as her go to innuendo which is fine for her but now I’m Kevin McCloud level skeptical of anyone going for coffee. Like, are you really going for coffee? Or will I be escorting you to the nearest pharmacy afterwards? Is this a bog-standard coffee trip or a pumpkin spiced frappuccino over ice kind of coffee? WHAT ABOUT TEA? Literally, never entering a Costa again, God know what everyone’s doing in there. 

Anti-Feminist Guilty Pleasures

I’ve realised that I’m probably a misogynist. I’ve also realised that that’s probably okay.

I have the tendency to endorse rather anti-feminist things, which are important to address if we want to beat this (fifty shades of) grey area in feminism. People think that in order to be Queen Feminist you have to reject all the meaty bits of society and replace them with Quorn alternatives- but this doesn’t have to be the case. After all, we can’t all be perfectly pro-gender equality all the time, right? So, to deblur the lines of this black and white view of feminism, I thought I’d share some of my misogynistic guilty pleasures.

Fetty Wap/ the song that’s like *heavy trap beat* IN MA ROOOOM with a human centipede-esque ring of naked women on the album cover/ rap in general: It’s like, I know that saying ‘I made that bitch famous’ is both incredibly degrading and wildly inaccurate however it’s also blady catchy. It’s not fair to make such an absolute banger that you only realise it violates your human rights on your fifth listen because the four previous times you were slut-dropping too hard to hear the lyrics.

Fifty Shades Of Grey: Many feminists hate it. And to an extent I get it. The book does glamorise a relationship in which consent isn’t a thing and sexual dominance inaccurately urban sprawls into everyday life (causing me to do the cringey claw hands every time I’m asked to reduce anything on the same aisle as the vanilla ice cream). But this collection of readable porn pages became a bestseller and that’s so blady cool because it shows how many women wanted something like this. Men can discuss sex all they want but for women it’s a topic that’s considered unladylike and then BAM along comes (literally) Anastasia Steele telling us where it’s at. 

Things Feminists Are Tired Of Hearing

Finish this sentence: I’m not a feminist because…

I don’t hate men: same! Omfg we clearly have so much in common, let’s legit go get waffles sometime. But in all seriousness, I don’t understand how this stereotype is still circulating. I’ve never met a feminist who hates men and I don’t even think the people who claim ‘all feminists hate men’ have ever met a feminist who hates men, they’d just rather take quotes from one misandrist, pro-guns campaigner on Twitter than listen to the truth from the tens of actual feminists around them. Yes, feminism advocates for women’s rights but it does this to achieve equality- which in turn benefits men. Because we love men. Especially ones with beards.

I don’t hate women: same! Omfg we clearly need to go for waffles too but my schedule’s a little booked up with all the newly converted male feminists rn so you might be waiting a while. In even more seriousness, I don’t even understand how this argument works. Surely, if you’re not calling yourself a feminist then that insinuates you hate women because you’re saying you don’t want them to be equal? Or maybe you’re just confused. Get some party rings in you and then come back with less ambiguity pls. 

Things I Love That You Hate

So last week’s post was Things I Hate That You Love and, as promised, here is the vice versa version (which was way harder to write, which probably says a lot about my miserable personality oops).

Twitter/Blogging Dramaz: This should probably be taken with a pinch of upside down smiley face but I can’t help love a bit of drama. It’s like The Only Way Is WordPress except instead of arguing over the differences between Mark and Arg (I refuse to believe there are any; to me they are identical) we’re fighting about who stole whose flatlay and whose student loan tweet has been misinterpreted for the 439th time. I could design a Pin The Subtweet On The Blogger party game to play at the next meet-up.

Nipple Dents: I swear the planet is full of people who think being able to see the outline of your boobs through your clothing is gross but when did that stop being the cutest thing ever? No bra ftw #TeamNipDip