Poppin Tags (again)

The rather mysteriously named Girl Shadow– sounds a bit like the next Bond villain- nominated me for the Q&A tag almost 827 years ago so I thought now would be the perfect time to respond to it. The aim of the game is to answer all the questions except one that you change, which is a bit risky considering how accidentally inappropriate I can be, so I’ll try and keep it PG. I’m listening to Mumford and Sons hoping that will help.

What are you wearing today? Let’s be realistic here, I’m about to visualise the cutest outfit I own and then describe it as if I’m wearing it even though we all know that I’m sat here with a tub of Ben and Jerry’s in my onesie. But, in my defense, it’s a super fluffy Christmas pudding onesie so I should win some brownie (or at least fruit cakey) points for that.

Hair? Currently glued to my head with all the grease- I have this really bad habit of, like, forgetting to wash.

Morning go to? In the mornings I usually go to sixth form but sometimes I shake it up a bit and pop to Marks & Spencer to buy some cola cubes beforehand.

Which is the last movie you saw? I went to see The Danish Girl when it came out and it was incredible. Obviously, we’re disappointed that Lili wasn’t played by a trans actor, but I can assure you Eddie Redmayne cough my future husband cough plays the part stunningly.

Update: just found out bae already has a wife, can my celebrity crushes stop marrying women that aren’t me pls.

Go Burn Your Bridge

A post titled so perfectly that in a single pun it can summarise how I’m about to simultaneously talk about feminism and never get a job at any newspaper. Ever. In fact tbh I might as well forget a career in journalism because I seem to have slagged off everything that’s ever been printed- apart from Elizabeth Wurtzel- and soon I’ll have no other option but to apply for work at Poundland where I can give all my friends a staff discount on the Fruitella and then confuse everyone when I say “that’s 50p please” because darling decimals don’t belong in Poundland. I mean, that’s just like, the rules of feminism.

This past month I’ve been trying to write a 2,000 word essay about the F-word for Newnham College which sounded really easy until I realised Newnham is in Cambridge, as in the Cambridge. Cambridge Cambridge. Upon this realisation I had to cross out all the inappropriate vagina jokes and Fetty Wap references, so now all I’m left with are a few ideas being pushed around my plate like broccoli stems (because realistically no one eats the stems) (except the vegans), however it’s not all bad. In the absence of words, I’ve done lots of research, read plenty of articles and painfully scrolled through thousands of comments, until I realised: newspapers hate feminists. I wrote a post similar to this before about the general public but I didn’t realise the people bringing up factual news would fall the same way.

Search and Destroy

On New Year’s Eve, WordPress exploded with resolution related posts to thank their readers, discuss their year and prepare us for their blogging future- a post which I didn’t endorse at the time because a) how could I possibly blog on a day that wasn’t Monday? and b) I don’t really like any of you.

I joke, I joke- in fact comments like that are essentially why I wanted to open this post with something different. I’m usually too busy offending or laughing at you all to tell you how much I love you and appreciate all your comments, follows, likes and generally lovely message so THANK YOU TEAMALES! Let us raise a mug to 2016 and all the feminist issues we’ll be tackling (I’ve got pieces planned on body positivity, porn, Barbie and a cheeky giveaway so you do not want to miss this year).

And now onto the main event this week: An insight into my Search Terms, an idea which came to me after all the hate the people who read their statistics pages seemed to be getting from fellow bloggers on Twitter. If I’m honest, I blady love the stats page!! You can see where your readers come from, which pages have been most successful and, my favourite bit, what people have googled to find you. This is where everything goes downhill.

New Year Old You

It’s 2016 and, despite the fact numerical time doesn’t really exist and therefore we’re celebrating what is essentially our own invention, for many people a new year can be the perfect kick up the bum to tidy desk drawers, start a YouTube channel or steer their lives in a different direction. Most of us will have at least some kind of resolution, whether that be a huge career goal or a minor self-improvement, and usually these are harmless. But what about when they’re not? What happens when you realise NYE is a time for everyone to make unrealistic, overoptimistic resolutions and then start a Crunchie binge on 5^th January to distract themselves from the fact they’ve failed to avoid the inevitable, turning their ‘Body Posi 2016’ into the biggest queue for Slimming World that the Guinness Book Of World Records has ever seen?

Cheeky Crunchie Binge

 

Apparently New Year has become the absolutely perfect excuse to constantly move the milestone of happiness; phrases like ‘I will be happy when…’ or ‘Happiness will come after…’ are ruined once the goal is achieved and something else crops up, pushing satisfaction further and further away. Suddenly everyone realises that this year they haven’t been rich/pretty/skinny/successful enough, that despite all the super smiley selfies, A* a levels and holidays to Greek islands that no one can pronounce, they’re just not happy. On the 31^st December we reduce all the ups and downs of a whole year into a tragedy pageant of which we conclude that we need to be better. And how do we find out how to be better? The internet.