How To Femalify Your Spotify

Yes, I have made up yet another word. Because the other day I overheard a conversation in which a guy turned to his friend and said ‘I’ve never had a proper conversation about music with a woman before- they just don’t get it.’ As someone who has Spotify playing in the background for at least two thirds of her life, I was understandably pissed off.

But this seems to be a common view. Everyone I’ve asked since seems to think that because your average woman doesn’t give a shit about Bob Geldof (haha omg wrong one I meant Bob Dylan- shows how much of a shit I don’t give) and knows all the words to 9 to 5 by Dolly Parton, their taste in music is less important than a man’s.

There’s always been notable snobbery surrounding music but it often affects women most- after all how many female rock bands can you name? Female rappers? Female instrumentalists? Women dominate pop and, as pop isn’t considered ‘cultured’, when women finally hear themselves represented and are all ‘omg I relate to this, it’s a woman singing about what it means to be a woman!’ (aka every time I hear Little Mix) they’re instantly labelled as knowing nothing about real music.

We all know the standard babes: Beyoncé, Sia, my childhood idol Katy Perry (we had matching jackets in 2012 it was magic) but the music industry doesn’t end there for women and so I’ve compiled a list of women who are both ruling my ears rn and super cultured. Fight me music snobs.

That’s a Rap: Part 2

A few months ago- never thought I’d say that, it’s probably a sign that I should quit while my dedication’s still intact- I posted a post about the subliminal misogyny in the music industry, or more specifically, in rap music. You can find that post HERE. I don’t listen to a lot of rap, probably because when I see the names Tyga and Pitbull I think I’m on the RSPCA website not the iTunes charts and exit in a blind panic to go and find Adele’s new album aka real music elsewhere, so last time when I forced myself to listen to and analyse 10 rap tracks for my blog my ears genuinely bled a little bit. But what changed? Well Teamales, it’s rather simple: Fetty Wap. Now I really can’t explain why I feel like every ‘yeahhhh baby’ is addressed to me personally, but I do and this has left my internal struggle at an all-time high because, as those of you familiar with his music will recognise, he’s not the most respectful to the part of the population without penii. Every time one of his songs comes on my emotional confliction is triggered, half of me is all ‘Fetty don’t treat women like that!’ but then the bit that shuts up and dances is like Fetty PLEASE can I be your trap queen. And so because of this, I am motivated enough to write about rap again. But bear with all the stupid rapper names- I can’t pronounce them either.

679 Fetty Wap ft. Monty

Dressed To Depress

Wow. How excited were we, the general public, to find out there was yet another celebrity gathering (I’d call them award ceremonies but Kanye was there) on Sunday to add to the never ending calendar of fame: the BAFTAs were like a week ago, the Met Gala the week before, the Brits, the Grammys and now the Billboard Music Awards- or BBMAs for the hardcore fans, of which I am not one. Great. Another opportunity to mentally fondle Chrissy Teigen’s cleavage and read reviews pretending ‘we simply lurveeeeee’- quote every teen magazine ever- that $8,000 Chanel cape that has been hand stitched from John Lennon’s hair and left to mature in a battery hen farm for a decade before being modelled by that model who you’ve seen in that modelling thing but can’t quite remember her name. When, truthfully, we couldn’t care less about a blady cape because we’re still stuck calculating the exchange rate. (It would be £5105.50 to save you the Google.)

So here we are. Today’s news. Some women wearing clothes. (Because realistically, they only ever judge the women.) For example, Taylor Swift:>

That’s a Rap. Or a Vagina. I’m Unsure.

Rap. A genre I’m not particularly familiar with or fond of, but as the world’s last person to join Spotify (I’m still not over tapes), I thought it would be a great opportunity to broaden my musical horizons and try something new. Aka I got a bit carried away with the whole playlists thing and accidentally ended up at rap. We’re 8 songs in and I’ve already concluded this is a genre that could do with a little vajazzling up to say the least, it’s just everso slightly…well see for yourself in my list of

A Handful O’ Things I’ve Learnt From Rap:

 Everyone Has A Bum

Peaches N Cream by Snoop Dogg

And may I add not just any bum, but specifically an ‘ass’, because rappers had to rename them when they realised that bums just aren’t sexy. How wrong those people that allegedly know anatomy have been all these years- bums are not for sitting down on and wiggling during the Birdie Song! They are for being sexy, duh. I knew they had another purpose, thanks for uncovering that one Snoop. Drinks on you tonight. Oh wait. I hate you.

Sia Or Not? So What!

We were having a lovely Easter Sunday: the end of Lent allowing chocolate for breakfast, a Spring stroll through Lambourn, even a seasonal Michael (googles spelling) McIntyre show compiling performances from comedians, magicians and musicians to watch whilst we scoffed our remaining Mini Eggs.

One of the musical interludes came from Sia (who, spoiler alert, I love).The 6 studio albumed sensation hit the stage with an oversized wig that hid her face so viewers could do nothing but listen to her Grammy nominated vocals. In short, she could only be judged by the music. Isn’t that what artists like Beyoncé constantly pester us do to? Avoid distractions, ignore obstructions, direct your focus on the most important factor: the music. I thought society shared this opinion (and let’s be honest, it’s the only thing most of us will ever share with Beyoncé)…

Spot the art scholar