How Life Would Differ In Feminist Utopia

Call yourself a feminist in the UK and, unless you’re chatting to Jeremy Corbyn (moment to appreciate 72% youth voting turnout!!) and the Spice Girls, you’re going to be met with at least some hostility. The most common criticism is that there’s legally nothing a man can do that a woman can’t, proving how we have gender equality aka you can shut up now love and get back in the kitchen instead. The key word of the opposition is legally. This argument reminds me of how when the Civil Rights Act was passed in America this was a de jure change, which meant segregation was illegal; however this couldn’t cause de facto change as socially people had become so accustomed to racism that no law could translate into their realities. In the UK, feminism isn’t needed to overcome sweeping legislative inequalities (from what I’m aware, but hit me up if I’m wrong) we need to focus on All The Small Things, Blink-182 style.

Often we view social changes as insignificant. Catcalling bothers you? Stop whining. You don’t like it when guys approach you in bars? Then start dressing like a homeless barrel. Want a career? Keep your legs closed. But humans are sociable creatures and so if our everyday lives are riddled with, put bluntly, people being shits, then it’s going to have a pretty big impact. I’ve compiled a list to show some of the ways my life would be different in a de facto feminist society.

I wouldn’t dumb myself down: I don’t even know how this happens. I just finished my International Baccalaureate exams, my IQ qualified me for Mensa and I’m 50,000 words into a novel- I’m a smart cookie. Why then do I feel compelled to let men mansplain words I already know or say stuff like *sharp intake of breath* *clutches cheeks* *Disney princess voice* ‘What book was Titanic based on?’ to make them laugh? Is masculinity so fragile that I round off the corners of my brain to make sure it doesn’t damage them? In feminist utopia, I’m shamelessly smart, full stop. Continue reading

Valentine’s Gifts I Don’t Get

I don’t really have an opinion on Valentine’s Day- most likely because my uranium heart is only capable of loving myself and The Great British Bake Off- but when it comes to gifting I’m like the present police. I’ve noticed that on V-Day people are exchanging gifts that you’d need a PhD in Cringe to understand, so I thought I’d compile a list of pressies that I don’t get (both physically and metaphorically):

P.S. If you received any of the things on this list then I still love you (unlike, perhaps, your partner) (that was a joke) I just had to write something Valentine related and this is the first thing that came to mind xo

Giant Teddy Bears: Don’t get me wrong my Build a Bear was pretty much my only friend up until 2011- if only they had some kind of human Build a Bae version eh- but she wasn’t the size of a baby elephant. I look at men lugging huge, stuffed animals through town and can’t help but think about the custom made IKEA storage solution they’ll need just to home it. Then once it’s in your house, other than recreating your first date to Chester Zoo, what’s its actual purpose? Surely, your other half will just end up cuddling it more than you, in order to get value for money. The impracticality is beyond me.

CDs: They’re just a bit vintage now, yknow. Make them a Spotify playlist available offline or something instead. Continue reading

Should We Apologise For Blogging Breaks?

When most bloggers return after a little time out they seem to be full of sorrys *cue the best song on Lemonade (apart from All Night)* and so I want to clear up why I haven’t been like that. Ultimately, I don’t think there’s anything to apologise for and neither should you. After all, we Brits say sorry enough.

Breaks are good. Breaks are wonderful. If they weren’t then Kit Kat wouldn’t have made a whole advertising campaign out of them. So when I see someone take a break from the internet I think neither ‘how dare they stop writing!’ nor ‘they’ve missed a post and so I will never read their content ever again!’ I just presume they have a reason and so I find some new blogs to read in the meantime. Being under too much stress to blog or wanting to spend your free time with family instead or just being a bit bored of typing words onto a screen and having to take photos to match the words and find a filter to match the photo and then promote the whole thing before you miss the day that you promised to post on, are not feelings you should apologise for. It’s your hobby. If you want to give it a miss for a while then go ahead.

Especially because your readers care but like, realistically, not that much. It’s not like you’re Stevie Wonder who left it 10 years between albums. In fact you’re not even Zoella (probably. If you are Zoella then why are you reading my blog babe get back to doing something useful like filming a Primark haul) whose full time job is to make new content, so yes you’re apologising for being away from the people that have you read you from the past few months but… everyone reads multiple blogs. You don’t write the only blog in the world (although it would be great if I did because then I could monopolise the industry and make all the dollar). There’s nothing to be sorry for.  Continue reading

A-Z Before Bed

I saw this tag on someone else’s blog (but I genuinely can’t remember whose so soz to all the A-Z tag doers out there, just know that it could’ve been you) and I thought it was a really cute way to get to know somebody. Aka I thought my one year blogging anniversary was this week but it’s actually next week and I needed a filler post so ta-dah.

Waitrose essentially, you use the alphabet and every letter reflects a different aspect of you- I’m going to be alternating between things I hate in red and things I love in green to make it a bit more spicy (and also the colours of Nandos). So, moving Taylor Swiftly on… (That awkward moment when you realise the keyboard isn’t arranged in alphabetical order and you have to sing the ABC song to know which letter comes after E.)

Antifeminism. Duh.image

Bb Brother It was his christening yesterday and honestly it was the cutest thing ever, however the age gap does prove serious problems- especially prominent when I’m pushing him round Caffè Nero and all the middle aged women with their Macchiatos and blueberry muffins stop mid-sip to whisper to the woman beside them about the ‘teen mum’. Like proper staring. They’d never make MI5.

Contouring My mantra is (biological essentials aside) if Kim Kardashian can do it then I probably can’t. Contouring is quite possibly the greatest evidence for this claim, followed by wearing double denim and naming offspring after directions. Continue reading

We’re Talking Periods. Period.

After 50 days of anticipation, I’m finally on my period.

In the words of Lily Allen:

Periods, we all get periods (not factually correct but we’ll sausage roll with it) every month (or 50 days in my case) (I essentially gave up menstruating for Lent) that’s what the theory is

so why then after all these years do we still feel awkward talking about them? From making our parents buy the hygeine gear on our behalf, to disguising our dysmenorrhoea as ‘tummy ache’, as a population we’ve got to admit that we are period phobes. Therefore, I am going to make us talk about Strawberry Jam Disasters to make up for the lack of conversation in the world: the things they make us do, the ways they make us feel and imagehow we can prepare for them (so excited to discuss the app that will change your life).

Before we begin I feel like I should set the mood by explaining the term ‘Strawberry Jam Disaster‘ (sorry if you’re eating). Basically, it involved me, 2012, the white seats of my grandparents caravan- you can see where this is going, right?- and a cheeky leaky of blood. Which caused my grandma to call a family meeting because ‘someone’s spilt jam on the Laura Ashley cushion’. Cue lots of Google searches to find out how to remove JAM from fabric. Jess 1 Periods 0. They have been known as SJDs ever since (and Grandma still doesn’t know the truth). Continue reading

The Barbie Dilemma

I have a confession that Aqua summarised perfectly in 1997: I’m a Barbie girl. Maybe not so much anymore, but bb Jess had all her latest luminous pink gear inc skipping rope, bike, shin pads, themed parties and sunglasses (which I dropped in a river when walking the dog and cried for at least a week #CountryBumpkinProblems) so no one was more excited at the news that Mattel had reinvented the Barbie doll than my 8 year old self. And initially Twitter seemed pretty excited too. barbie wars

Gradually, as more investigating was done, people started to turn on the new dolls as not being ‘enough’, but I think before we explore the dark side we should focus on the positives (I feel a bit like the David Attenborough of doll world ngl). Continue reading