The Dumbest Shit I’ve Read on Twitter

I’ve been on Twitter a long time. And in that time I’ve seen a lot of ‘DS’ (dumb shit- not to be confused with the Nintendo DS because I genuinely couldn’t bring myself to say a bad word about Animal Crossing). I thought, in homage to me being away from blogging for so long, I would reminisce over the worst bits that I’ve seen in the meantime on social media, in hope that these would set the bar really low for my future posts.

‘Men cannot do domestic tasks because they are too busy building civilisation’ This was said by a meninist who believed men didn’t have time to participate in childcare, housework, cooking, etc. What he hasn’t realised is that, yeah men might’ve built the modern world, but women invented beer, monopoly and the folding cabinet bed, therefore we’ve built the perfect Friday night.

‘Women can’t be SAS trained. They’ll distract men. It’s biological’ Did you see SAS: Who Dares Wins? Did you watch a woman and a man come joint first without sleeping together? And when they were being interrogated in, like, Morocco, did you see her dramatically undo her ponytail, unveiling luscious Herbal Essence-d locks and apply Mac Velvet Teddy, causing all the spies to stop their highly classified, significant jobs and have a wank over her beauty instead? No. Because not every guy was straight. Not every woman is beautiful. And most importantly, these people are so skilled at doing their jobs so if a human with two lumps of fat on their upper torso and no dick can distract them that easily then I really don’t think they’re qualified to protect the country.

‘If you don’t want a wage gap then don’t have kids’ I hate to have to teach you, a 48 year old man on the internet, how reproduction works but ‘having kids’ requires two people. Two. Unless women have this cloning capacity that I’m not yet aware of, they only make up one of the two, and so in heterosexual relationships the man must make up the other half. Therefore, why is the choice to have children both lumbered on the woman and then only impacting her too? Pisses me right off.

‘Beyonce is overrated’ Okay, okay I’m joking, you can all have your opinions. But I do really love Beyonce and all the equality she stands for so I never understand why people criticise her popularity because she’s the kind of politically-minded, world-aware role model that I want slaying my IG feed.

‘Harry Styles’ fans now have to work out who Stevie Nicks is’ Yes I’m a teenager, yes I’m a female, yes my most played album on Spotify last year included the cast of Glee, but that doesn’t mean I’m naturally uncultured. I’ve previously blogged about how the music taste of girls isn’t taken seriously but tweets like this prove the point. They can duet as many times as they want but that’s never going to change how I know and love Stevie Nicks way more than Harry Styles- she was the witchy queen of the 70s. Landslide is an absolute slow dance banger (if that’s even a thing). Don’t patronise me when it comes to the Queen of Rock.

‘Pay for ur own tampons, if u can’t hold it until u get to a toilet’ This guy took the internet by storm because he also failed to understand simply anatomy (there seems to be a reoccurring theme here). I would so love this guy to experience my strawberry jam disasters for a month just to see how highly unpredictable and turbulent they can be- they can’t even wait in the seconds between changing tampons, let alone until I get to the loo. I always find it so reassuring knowing men like this exist. So much progress has clearly been made.

‘So glad my son got lots of superhero costumes for his birthday, we’re trying to get him out of his princess phase’ FFS I bet your son is the sparkliest princess of them all. Like, seriously, what is this parent trying to achieve by tweeting this? Well done Dave, you’ve just won biggest bellend of the barbeque dad world, pour yourself a nice refreshing manly beer while we hit up social services.

‘34 million UK adults are mentally ill? What utter nonsense. Man up, Britain & focus on those who REALLY need help’ I could’ve chosen almost anything from Pig Morgan’s timeline but as someone who’s been diagnosed with a mental illness, this one really stood out for me. Firstly because we’ve been running things in this ‘man up’ way for the past what, forever?, and it’s yet to show any beneficial results. Unless you call the misunderstood public, ill-equipped mental health staff and rocketing male suicide rates, beneficial. Secondly, think about how common physical illness is. At least everyone I know has cancelled on clubbing at least twice because they’ve broken their wrist or caught chlamydia or something, so why is it so implausible for mental health to be the same? Everyone is going to get mental-chlamydia at some point. It may not be a long-term mental illness but that doesn’t mean they don’t ‘REALLY’ need help too.

I’m sorry if any of these made you scream at your phone screen, but if you want some quality content you can always follow me on Twitter @Brittnix (plus I follow bloggers back). Comment below with any traumatising tweets you’ve seen recently and we can cringe together.