How Do Brits Talk About Sex?

British people seem to be the most awkward ever, combine that with sex- one of the most awkward topics of all- and you have a rather cringe sensitive scene. Here are how I’ve noticed different types of people tackle the s-bomb:

The Discreet One:  Possibly Britain’s native type. This can include anything from merely agreeing with what everyone else says (‘Yeah! Same!’ No Val, it wasn’t the same because he’s my boyf. Find your own story.) to using so many innuendos that I get lost in the supermarket of sound and end up feeling like I’m deciphering a modernist John Donne poem rather than the basis for a future erotic novel. For example, I once had a friend who replaced the names for all reproductive anatomy, periods and even boobs with ‘badobadom’. Do you understand how confusing that could get? It sounded like she was haunted by the drum solo from that I can feel it comingggg in the air tonight song every day.

The One Who Describe It As A Porno: Come on Sandra, we all know he didn’t stop halfway through to run his fingers through his hair and start serenading you in Italian, you shagged a kid who dresses like an East 17 reject not blady Antonio Banderas.

The One Who Goes For Coffee: I have a friend who uses ‘coffee’ as her go to innuendo which is fine for her but now I’m Kevin McCloud level skeptical of anyone going for coffee. Like, are you really going for coffee? Or will I be escorting you to the nearest pharmacy afterwards? Is this a bog-standard coffee trip or a pumpkin spiced frappuccino over ice kind of coffee? WHAT ABOUT TEA? Literally, never entering a Costa again, God know what everyone’s doing in there. 

The Over-Sharing One: I’m loving the confidence, but deciding to flick through the Karma Sutra every time we’re within four rails of the Urban Outfitters book table and pointing out which pages you’ve mastered is something that I’m just not emotionally prepared for.

The One Who Still Thinks 50 Shades Is The Norm: I’m still slightly unnerved by the amount of people who think default sex is initiated by blindfold taste-testing or signing some kind of contract. Love how you wanna love, but if he whips the cable ties out, don’t think ‘everyone is doing this!!’ because, unless you’re Anastasia Steele, they’re not.

The One Who Gives No Details: Only winks and raises their eyebrows when Paul Hollywood makes a snake taming reference on GBBO. So. Intrigued. Rn.

The One Who Thinks They’re Featured On A Noughties RnB Album: I hate to break it to you but no one talks about ‘banging bitches’ anymore. Same goes for the word ‘pussy’- Trump take note- we scrapped them at the same time as double denim and scrunchies. Unlike the size of your dick, respect for women is growing, so there is absolutely no need to whip out your inner Lil Wayne every time you speak about your experiences with them.

The Social Media Sex Addict: I’ll be having a lovely Sunday morning scroll through Twitter, catching up on my reading list links, some new Jojo bangers on in the background and then BAM cue that friend who’s retweeted about 62 sexual gifs so I have to swerve through the minefield of seductive lip biting in order to find the latest BBC news notification.

Teamales- do you relate to any types on this list? Do you have any to add? Comment below for feminist chats.