Follaback Girl: Twitter Edition

Firstly, Happy Mental Health Awareness Week! This isn’t a post relating to that wonderful week because I’m not organised enough for that kind of thing, however I hope it’s a week of opening conversations, asking questions and listening to the answers- at the end of the day we can hashtag it all we like but it takes words to change the world.

On a lighter note, a few weeks ago I realised successful blogs were synonymous with large social media followings- something I’d only ever put half effort into creating- so I changed my Instagram name, followed some more people and downloaded Crowdfire (I know, I know, I’ve become one of them). And it’s going well. Except the age old problem: who to follow back? We could romanticise it and pretend that it’s everyone, but we all know that never ends up being the case and here are the reasons why. P.S. Pics come from some of my favourite Twitter bloggers which link to their pages.

Your Profile Picture Scares Me: And I’m not talking about a selfie with asymmetrical eyebrows here (although ngl sometimes they’re a little creepy), I’m talking the full on Maris-Piper-potato-sitting-on-a-swing-holding-a-sickle-and-hammer photo. I don’t understand. Are you on the run from the secret service or are you just really into communist vegetables? If anyone possesses a peculiar profile picture- I can’t show you any because I’ve unfollowed all them all- please get in touch and explain.

(And sticking with the photography theme) You Post Loads Of Photos Of Your Feet: Are you purposely trying to emotionally destroy me?

You Tweet Things I Disagree With: Now let’s be clear, this isn’t because I dislike opinions that aren’t my own, neither do I always think I’m right (unless it’s about Trump or cheese, in which case, I’m right) this is simply because I am a philosophy student and like all good philosophy students, when I’m not reading Plato’s Republic or swooning over the jalapeno level hot guy who runs Philosophy Tube, I’m reasoning. When I see tweets displaying opinions that aren’t my own I just want to sit cross-legged on the floor with a mancala board between me and its author, Club Penguin style, and debate this shit out. Why do you support Victoria’s Secret? How come you don’t identify as a feminist? What do you mean you don’t like cheese? I just can’t hold myself back from all the questions, so in their absence I unfollow. It’s way better for the both of us. Trust me.

You Tweet Game Of Thrones Spoilers: My name is no. My sign is no. My number is no. You need to let it go out of my feed and into the abyss because I’m still only on season 3.

You Use Names And I Can’t Keep Up: Seriously, I use social media to escape from my life but that doesn’t mean I’m down for remembering yours. I always see tweets like ‘Donny completed the challenge today! So proud after everything he’s been through! *heart eyes emoji*’ and the lack of context is soul destroying. I can’t remember to take my tampon out, let alone what the dog of a random internet person’s half-sister is called. Unless you attach a family tree, I’m afraid I can’t commit to these kinds of feeds.

You Don’t Use Emojis: How. Are. We. Supposed. To. Commuicate? Like seriously. I’m going to tweet you and you’ll see nothing except emotionless black squares and maybe the odd Samsung translation, which isn’t the same thing. Intellectually, we can never be on the same level. Let’s just end it before it’s over b.

All Of Your Tweets Are Links: I get that you’re a little blogger, I might be 5’6” but when it comes to WordPress I’m pretty ikkle too, but sometimes I feel like I’m following a corporate TweetDecking robot and not a real life human being. It all feels a bit avatar. Just without the blue people and 3D glasses. When I scroll through a feed I want to see cringey tweets about how much you loved Ansel Elgort in 2014 and the nineteen Essie nail polishes you impulse bought from Cheap Smells, as well as a cheeky blog link. Otherwise my eyes hurt.

You Didn’t Watch Eurovision: Obviously, people like this don’t actually exist, however if on the rare and hypothetical chance that they did, I couldn’t follow them anymore.

You Retweet Things From Sexual Gifs: It’s not that I’m against your taste in gif, it’s just that I’m trying to look at pictures of cats and wedged in between is two wannabe Hollister models eating each other’s faces off. How am I supposed to explain that to my Grandma as she conveniently looks over my shoulder, mid-nosemunch? ‘Oh the BBC News app is a bit raunchy these days!’ Yes, Grandma, yes it is. Let’s get back to the cat pictures shall we?

Just to clarify, I do follow most people back- especially #TheGirlGang bloggers because favouritism- however we all have our preferences when it comes to social media content, right? Or maybe it’s just me, which wouldn’t be surprising. Comment below to tell me what you think about Twitter: do you use it? Do you follow back? Why/ not? And you can follow me here.