The Piers Morgan Problemo

After all the Friday nights we dedicated to listening to him unwind celebrity life stories and equally committed Saturday viewings as he buzzed Britain’s most talented acts, Piers Morgan has gone and become an utter cock. Which says a lot. Because I really don’t like gendered insults. Now I have a feeling that, especially as a journalist, he’s done some controversial things before but as I’ve only just mentally matured his lack of intelligence has only recently become apparent. I apologise to all the people that noticed it before because if they told me I’d probably responded along the lines of: *spits out Starbucks Grande Venti Latté Caramel Macchiato (equally out of shock and the fact it’s vile)* ‘Piers? He interviewed MARY BERRY- Mary wouldn’t stand for that shit, she can’t even stomach a soggy bottom. Darling you must be mistaken, Piers is one of the good guys. His name is French. You just don’t understand him.’ Oh, how times have changed. Oh how toxic his Twitter has become (it’s like a blady Britney Spears song). Seatbelts on Teamales- unless you’re on a train, which might be a little problematic and I’d request you move for the sake of this metaphor- let’s find out why I’m auto-correcting his name to ‘irrational, anti-feminist swine.’

Obviously, I’m referring to his recent comments about feminism. Mainly triggered by the tweet to the right which has so many flaws (people think philosophy is a boring subject and maybe sometimes, when you’re trying to translate Plato’s Republic from ancient Greek using nothing but the Rosetta Stone as guidance, it is but other times it teaches you amazing things like how to pick holes in every argument aka debate goals). Firstly, since when was feminism limited to merely two examples? Gender equality is happening in thousands of baby steps across the world all the time and it’s a movement that these three women are a tiny ripple of, not the whole wave. Secondly, why are these examples pathetic? Madonna is probably old enough to be my grandma yet still wears leotards and does sexual gyrating dancing on pretty much anything with legs and instead of celebrating this, the media is constantly telling her she’s too old. Surely the fact she’s challenging the shelf-life of women is far from pathetic- I mean, no one complains when George Clooney, only two years younger than Madge, takes his shirt off right? Meanwhile in the other photo, well Emily Ratajkowski is an incredible advocate for body positivity and Kim Kardashian, love her or hate her, proved than a censored photo of a naked woman can break the internet and therefore we should probably all grow up a little bit.

To make things worse, Princess Piers then goes on to tell us feminists how feminism should be done, because obviously that vagina of his has given him all that experience. The photo that he calls ‘real feminism’ is an article about a woman standing up to some neo-Nazis, which is wonderful, what a brave and inspiring soul but…isn’t he doing that thing where you confuse feminism with anything to do with women? What Tess Asplund did was a huge achievement but the link to gender equality is tenuous. And it becomes even more vague the more of the tweet that you read. Since when was gender related to courage? Like, no babe, I’m getting equal pay because it’s equal not because I fought a bear in the process. A lot of the things feminism aims to tackle are courageous but they’re not synonymous. The same goes for racial equality, although there are overlaps they’re not the same process.

I mean, I don’t really know why I’m complaining, I’ve spent my whole life waiting for a middle class white man with a double barrelled last name  (Pughe-Morgan what even is that? PUGHE? That must sound like what it feels like to stagger home after Giles can’t pick you up in the Bentley Continental from 10 Downing Street at 3 am after a heavy night of Veuve Clicquot and strip billiards. Pughe) to write the rules of feminism for me. Oh wait, I hadn’t. And I don’t think anyone else had either- except the Trump supporters, which Morgan also seems to be strangely in favour of (quote: ‘he’s run a great campaign’ yes Piers, it’s called MONEY). Surely, the whole idea of female empowerment is to, like, stop telling them how to empower themselves? If women support Madonna they support Madonna, if they prefer surgeons then that’s probably wise considering they’re the ones with the knives, however showcasing feminism as this catfight in which only one type is right is completely inaccurate and give your followers the complete wrong impression. If they can read, that is.

So Piers,  let’s maybe not tell women how to be women next time. Let’s not belittle their attempts at empowerment just because you don’t agree with them. And let’s not make comments about things we don’t understand aka your whole Twitter feed. If you want me I’ll be milkshaking it off in the yard waiting for all the boys.