Clubbed Penguins

After the recent traumatic discovery that Club Penguin had deleted my account due to inactivity, that typical cold turkey feeling started to kick in and I was suddenly craving a card jitsu match against Penguin908362 (I never understood that, you can name your penguin anything you want yet you settle for ‘Penguin’) and Aunt Arctic’s weekly advice column. Luckily the penguin of my glamourous assistant, otherwise known as Carla, is still going strong so she kindly let me borrow it to recharge my nostalgia levels. That was when I realised how the virtual reality of Club Penguin maybe isn’t as different from our lives as I thought…

10 Things Club Penguin Taught Me

Racial diversity exists however there’s still a bit of an Orange Is The New Black hierarchy. Back in 2008, navy blue and peach owned the servers but now it seems red is making more of a comeback- don’t worry though it’ll still take you at least 9 pages of the clothing catalogue to find the token green.

Meeting Rockhopper is the singlehandedly most exciting thing that will ever happen in your life. It’s all downhill from here.

Flicking through the catalogues you soon see that although there is more for non-members than before, the people that pay to play are the ones that get to kit their penguins out with the best clothes, in the best igloos, alongside their 72 puffles. I can think of very few things that I’ve ever needed 72 of (mosaic tiles, calories, squares of toilet roll) but puffles don’t even come close. It’s hard enough work looking after 1 let alone 72- 72! No wonder we have problems with overpopulation if this is what we’re subliminally teaching our children these days.

Alongside the whole shopping shenanigans, Club Penguin perfectly replicates the problem of always having money when you don’t need it. Bibblenoo45 currently has over 18000 coins (for her sake let’s hope they’re pounds opposed to 2ps) as being a non-member she is very limited to what she can buy so she ends up saving- I mean realistically unless you’re a native, who actually wants a Uruguay pin?- however the second you have membership you buy a supped up Ruby And The Ruby costume and become bankrupt within days.

The overall CP island is very similar to that of a large city- you’ve got your traditional mine, the empty stadium, the iceberg that has at least 72 people each day trying to tip it- in fact the iceberg is almost a metaphor for the cult culture that develops in society. When children try to ‘tip the iceberg’ they’re also using skills like persuasion, leadership and commitment to try and achieve a goal. Is one way of looking at it. On the other hand, I’d love to join your protest but Aqua Grabber is calling and I mean, who really has the willpower to resist.

If only English counties had counters on them, like the servers on the login page, so that you could simultaneously avoid the busy areas and your friends and head straight to Yukon.

Although Club Penguin also taught me that having no friends is equally as tragic: there is never a worse feeling than having to wait 8 minutes on Ski Hill for someone (probably Penguin908362 again) to race against you and then not even sticking around for a rematch. Okay, this is starting to sound a little bit like Grindr.

Catching java bags and playing mancala are perfectly viable, well-paying career options. Especially because penguins seem to be immortal- UNLESS YOU GET DELETED DUE TO INACTIVITY- so being crushed by a falling anvil has no effect. In hindsight this probably wasn’t a very valuable life lesson but I learnt that mancala wasn’t an interpretive tribal dance so at least I gained some general knowledge.

You’re A-levels are almost as hard as one of G’s missions. I don’t think I ever completed one- this is probably the real reason Club Penguin did the equivalent of unfriending me on Facebook, unfollowing me on Twitter and then burning me in a fiery pit which used my wasted membership money as fuel- however I was always slightly biased to the villainous polar bear. Herbert is my surname after all.

Why does the company that tells us FISH ARE FRIENDS NOT FOOD then force me into ice fishing? The only thing I’m learning here is that my life is a lie. No wonder it took so long to find Nemo (he probably spent half his time framed on the wall of the Ski Lodge).