Emoji Invasion

After  the purchase of every iProduct- before going to put the kettle on or have a panic wee- users immediately install the emoji keyboard. It’s like the unwritten iLaw (can I copyright that?) that you must have and regularly use these so called symbols in everyday life and while I usually agree, after a laborious analysis of my set I can’t help wondering for some of them: “Apple, wtf were you thinking?”

Have you every properly stopped and stared at the random little creatures right next door to the yellow crying emoji face that you always use despite not being able to tell if it’s happy or sad? Have you ever debated with your emoji using friends whether THOSE HANDS (we all know the ones) are hi-5ing or praying? If not, then good. Because I’m about to analyse them for you.

Emoji invasion 1: Running Man

This guy, otherwise known as Tracy Beaker without the hair, can be seen running. Running: a verb that should be donated to Usain Bolt and a cheetah sanctuary and never mentioned again. Realistically, who runs anywhere these days, apart from this emoji man who obviously hasn’t stopped since 2007. Was the designer picked last for teams or did they genuinely just want to ruin this little guy’s life- what’s maybe most annoying is WHERE IS HE RUNNING TO?

Emoji invasion 2: Church WarsI had never linked churches and war until I saw this rather competitive emoji statement. On the left a church/ building where people like to publically play noughts and crosses and on the right a church/ building where people like to publically play noughts and crosses IN A LOVING WAY. To make the right church even better, it’s been painted in homage to Archie’s Balamory castle- beat that left church.

Emoji invasion 3: Collection of SpeakersI have never used a speaker emoji. Ever. If your music is too loud I will simply throw super maxi tampons at you until you turn it down- although I make exceptions for Billy Ocean- instead of sending you an array of speakers in order of the way your volume should go. I mean, really Apple? The speaker diversity here is more than a bit excessive, all we really need is a klaxon.

Emoji invasion 4: The ThingIn all honesty I don’t even know what you are (and in the absence of knowledge I speak to you in first person), but I feel you’d look good with some shabby chic cases. And a dictionary definition. And some hair. Seriously though, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO USE THIS FOR? Did you design it just in case I see a pebble on the beach that looks like my ex-boyfriend and I want to instagram a photo with this emoji as the indirect caption? If so, that’s a very generous offer. But, I’ve never had a boyfriend.

Emoji invasion 5: Broken LorryDon’t get me wrong, most of the transport emojis are very useful when you can’t be bothered to type the word ‘train’ or ‘bus’ and would rather faff around finding the right keyboard (I also have German and Russian, you feel the struggle), then the right topic area (how come the Christmas tree isn’t under nature? It’s a blady TREE!) and then eventually hit send. But someone needs to alert this driver that their cargo is quite literally falling off the base and I fear that they’ll drive off without it if they goes on much further. Things like this create such an unnecessary anxiety. Shame on you Apple, you’re letting your side of the fruit bowl down.

Emoji invasion 6: I Refuse To Believe This Is A Name Badge

It is clearly a flame that has been inspired by the stop sign and is trying out a new look, whoever said it was a name badge needs to go to Specsavers. This is another one I’ve never used probably because- apart from the sticky-label-name-learning fiasco at the start of every child’s secondary schooling- I’ve never worn a name badge. Especially one that looks like an extra from the Great Fire of London.

Emoji invasion 7: Flying Money

Is it a bird? Is it plane? Actually there probably is a bird in there somewhere because of course this is Brighton the capital of seagull excretion, but no! This is flying money. At least I’m assuming they’re wings, they could just be really badly trimmed ear hairs or some kind of stratocumulus clouds that got in the way during drawing and accidentally ended up making it into the final design. What amazes me most is that, with the amount of speaker diversity, you would think that the notes could at least be in pounds.

Emoji invasion 8: Free Recommended for this post by a friend because she said it’s ‘like me’; whether that’s referring to my bohemian, carpe diem, nonconformist mindset (I say after having not left the house for 52 hours) or my metaphorical prostitution rate, I’m unsure. But, other than to abuse me, I’m not really sure of its purpose- if Apple are expecting me to use it to label the nearest selection free food then sorry friends but I’ll be too busy eating it.

What’s your least used emoji? Comment below and look out for a part 2 sometime soon…