Dressed To Depress

Wow. How excited were we, the general public, to find out there was yet another celebrity gathering (I’d call them award ceremonies but Kanye was there) on Sunday to add to the never ending calendar of fame: the BAFTAs were like a week ago, the Met Gala the week before, the Brits, the Grammys and now the Billboard Music Awards- or BBMAs for the hardcore fans, of which I am not one. Great. Another opportunity to mentally fondle Chrissy Teigen’s cleavage and read reviews pretending ‘we simply lurveeeeee’- quote every teen magazine ever- that $8,000 Chanel cape that has been hand stitched from John Lennon’s hair and left to mature in a battery hen farm for a decade before being modelled by that model who you’ve seen in that modelling thing but can’t quite remember her name. When, truthfully, we couldn’t care less about a blady cape because we’re still stuck calculating the exchange rate. (It would be £5105.50 to save you the Google.)

So here we are. Today’s news. Some women wearing clothes. (Because realistically, they only ever judge the women.) For example, Taylor Swift:> So, according to the reviews- despite being like a size 0.5 and not having any acne scars or random moles or disproportional facial features- she looks normal. This, is apparently, what’s considered normal. THIS ladies and gentlemen, is normal. Not amazing, not stunning, but normal. Implying that she is the average and this is the norm. Here we have 2 options: it’s rather a one off and they’re trying to undersell her to save her ego or someone genuinely thinks this is what women look like.

But then you have the women which like to take ‘normal’ but sealife it up a bit. Here, as Rita Ora showcases, is what happens when a swimming costume and a wedding dress have a baby- but don’t worry she is also normal and can therefore get away with it. Normal.

I assume this- wearing a jungle instead of clothes- is normal too? In fact, I bet Grazia will write a whole 3 page story based on the contrasting tones in material and juxtaposing prints representing her inner turmoil and pressurising all its readers to go out and actually purchase a patterned turtleneck because ‘they’re so in’ and ‘that’s the norm’.

But then WOAH. This isn’t the norm. This is weird.No one wears blue and pink together, it’s just so wrong, I mean who cares if she woke up this morning feeling really sad and thought ‘I know what would really cheer me up! My blue co-ord and comfiest shoes’? To make sure she knows we don’t like it let’s shame her red carpet fail on the front page of every cover for the next week and completely ignore that she’s was even nominated for any awards in the first place. Said every fashion editor ever. But she looks normal- actually normal!- I mentally scream at the tabloids. She has legs which are a bit rough around the edges and an unusually placed tattoo that I bet she wakes up regretting every other morning- THIS is what I want to see more of, female diversity, imperfections, personality. This is what the celebrity world is missing and I don’t wonder why after their awful reviews of Iggy.

As a society our problem is describing these outstandingly beautiful women as normal opposed to recognising their exceptional aesthetic, making people feel abnormal when they realise they don’t look anything like them.  What makes it worse is when the pretty people start competing- seriously guys you don’t have to out diamante each other. Just chill. This is my message to modern women: chill. Wear more tracksuits, use less stylists, take the male approach more often. The more effort you make the more effort we as young girls are expected to make to live up to the ‘norm’.

Then along comes Ed Sheeran.Now I would physically pay (not that they need anymore money) a woman to come dressed like this. Untucked shirt, trainers, scruffy hair- ARE THOSE JEANS!? Why don’t more women just wear jeans?

Imagine it, an incredibly equal world where women just rock up out their Fiat 500s in their boyfriend (the style, I’m not insisting you steal your loved ones trousers) jeans and converse with the laces undone on one foot- because this always happens no matter how tight you tie the knots- maybe even Berghaus coat if it’s cold. Teamales, I’m not feeling all this effort if the men aren’t making it too. And I’m not feeling all this fake ‘normality’. And I’m really sad there are no cheese straws left.

And that is all I have to say on the matter.