That’s a Rap. Or a Vagina. I’m Unsure.

Rap. A genre I’m not particularly familiar with or fond of, but as the world’s last person to join Spotify (I’m still not over tapes), I thought it would be a great opportunity to broaden my musical horizons and try something new. Aka I got a bit carried away with the whole playlists thing and accidentally ended up at rap. We’re 8 songs in and I’ve already concluded this is a genre that could do with a little vajazzling up to say the least, it’s just everso slightly…well see for yourself in my list of

A Handful O’ Things I’ve Learnt From Rap:

 Everyone Has A Bum

Peaches N Cream by Snoop Dogg

And may I add not just any bum, but specifically an ‘ass’, because rappers had to rename them when they realised that bums just aren’t sexy. How wrong those people that allegedly know anatomy have been all these years- bums are not for sitting down on and wiggling during the Birdie Song! They are for being sexy, duh. I knew they had another purpose, thanks for uncovering that one Snoop. Drinks on you tonight. Oh wait. I hate you.

It’s Socially Acceptable To Sing About Dogs

All Day by Kanye West

Kanye, I’ve tried to tolerate you and your constant comparisons to Jesus but bringing female dogs into this is just a step too far.

Vaginas Can Talk

King Kunta by Kendrick Lamar

I’m uncertain if it’s only the plus-sized models with this skill. Sorry I can’t clarify, I recommend asking Dr Lamar of vagina linguistics himself, although he’s probably busy working on a book to store all his research.

Women Are Incapable Of Doing Jobs Which Require Them To Keep Their Clothes On

Trap Queen by Fetty Wap

I was unaware of this little fact. Who knew Hilary Clinton was a man in disguise and Emma Watson an undercover whore? Apparently women can’t just work in actual, normal, boring sectors like, I don’t know, sales or catering unless it’s selling themselves to cater for your sexual needs. I’ll keep this in mind next time I meet with the careers advisor.

Vaginas Double Up As Phones

Shutdown by Skepta

Ladies! Thanks to Skepta you never need to spend your hard earned cash (stripper’s salary of course, remember not to aim higher) on telephone boxes again because guess what? Your vagina is a telephone. Make sure you turn it off in the cinema to prevent judgmental stares from fellow film-ers.

We Don’t Know What A Hablé Is

Ayo by Chris Brown and some other guy

I blame this on the fact we’re too busy being fondled with to have access to a dictionary (although ‘bitches’ is plural so maybe if I ask one of the other girls she might know). If I’m honest I’m more offended about the mention of dessert without any reference to eating it. How do you expect us to grow our admirable arses Chris if we can’t even eat the damned cake?

Vaginas Need Feeding (unlike the women in control of them)

Nasty Freestyle by T-Wayne

I have nothing to say about this except if you say T-Wayne really quickly it sounds like train.

So, Rap, what’s up with you? You may be one letter off rape but that doesn’t mean you have to make up for it with your sleazy, patronisingly poorly written lyrics. Please take your gallivanting and do it somewhere that isn’t on my radio. Ta.

(Comment with your worst rap lyrics below. Especially if it’s Kanye. I don’t condone intense dislike bordering on hatred, but for him I make an exception.)